What do you say to someone who's having a miscarriage?

This is something that's been on my mind since we found out we were losing our baby four weeks ago. I've been undecided about whether or not to put this on the blog. Obviously it's personal, but I'm also sensitive about trying to speak for every woman who'll ever have a miscarriage. How it affects her depends on a great number of factors, like: Is this her first miscarriage or her third? Did she "know" or was it a total shock? What are her chances of having another baby? Does she have a supportive partner? How's her life going in general? I've been lucky, my life is pretty great, but having a miscarriage is still a hard, hard thing. My hope in writing this is to help others know how to be supportive to a mom in that horrible position. It's based primarily on my experiences with a bit of input from other women who've been there. Feel free to leave a different perspective in the comments. Thanks for reading.

You don't have to say much, but say something. It's bizarre to go through an emotionally and physically traumatizing experience while those around you are pretending it didn't happen. It's hard to know what to say, so a lot of people don't say anything at all. Or they might be afraid to bring up such an emotional topic in public. I found myself in the same position when a friend from playgroup had a miscarriage a few months before me, so I get it. I didn't want to make her cry in the middle of the mall. But one of the hard things about miscarriage is that there is so little acknowledgment of the loss. And the loneliness only grows when the people around you seem awkward in your presence. "We've been thinking of you," "So sorry to hear your news," or simply, "How are you doing?" goes a long way. Those can all open up a conversation if she is in the mood to talk, but if not it's easy for her to say thanks and move along. One final thing: you don't have to wait for her to mention it. I felt awkward bringing it up everywhere I went but I still appreciated hearing kind words.

Acknowledge her thoughts and feelings. Healing after a miscarriage is like going on a bear hunt: you've just got to go through it. And getting through it is a whole lot easier when you have friends and family who will listen without judgment. Offer condolences and try to understand what she has to say, but be careful not to interject your perspective too much. You may have some thoughts that make it easier for you to process it, but there is nothing you can say that will make her feel better. It can be hard to hear that everything happens for a reason when your baby just died, or any of the other well-meaning but insensitive things people often say. One thing that did help me tremendously - talking to other moms who have had miscarriages. Even if you don't want to talk about it, just letting her know that you've shared the same experience is meaningful.

If you can't say something, do something. Maybe you're really not comfortable talking in person, or you get the impression she's just not up to it. Or you heard the news but don't see her often. There's nothing wrong with an email, text message, or private Facebook message to send along your thoughts. It's also nice to have something tangible like a condolence card or a plant (I did not want flowers that would shrivel up and die). A miscarriage is like a birth, a death, and a physical ailment all at once, so sending over a meal is welcome. Or instead you can send something to encourage her to take care of herself, like some new pajamas, tea and a pretty mug, or a pair of cozy socks.

Don't shut her out. It's okay to invite her to happy hour or even a baby shower - just let her know that you don't want to exclude her but understand if she'd rather not. You don't have to pretend you're not pregnant, but you'll have to gauge how much baby talk she's comfortable with. A big no-no is complaining about the morning sickness or 3 a.m. feedings she aches to have. I am surrounded by pregnant women and new moms right now and it makes me feel hopeful. Doesn't mean I don't get teary when a picture of a friend's newborn arrives in my inbox, but what's the alternative? Stop celebrating life and enjoying the company of my friends? That hardly seems healthy, or fair.

Just a few months ago I was that friend thinking, "Gosh, how awful for her. I wish I knew what to say." I hope this offers a little bit of insight. I wrote it assuming we are talking about a mom who is having a miscarriage but I think it's just as relevant for the dad. In fact, one of the most meaningful condolences we got was from a Google chat between Husband and an old friend. "Dude, sorry about y'all's loss. Wish it could be different." Like I said, you don't have to say much.