Real Food

Husband and I have been interested in what we call "real food" on and off for a few years.  We've read Michael Pollan and Nina Planck and watched Food, Inc. and King Corn.  We get what we should eat and why, but we have only been intermittently successful in implementing this knowledge. 

A couple of weeks ago I stumbled across a blog called 100 Days of Real Food. (Thanks Pinterest!)  It's written by a mom of two whose family pledged to eat only unprocessed food for 100 days.  It's well-written and full of good ideas, and it's reignited my/our interest in eating real food.  We are moving in that direction, slowly but surely.  We don't want it to feel too much like a diet or like we are restricting ourselves.  We are focusing on adding good things into our diet.  We aren't throwing away all the food in our fridge and pantry, just slowly replacing it with better choices.  I say "we" because Husband is totally on board and participating in these changes.  He's awesome like that. 

We recently reread Michael Pollan's Food Rules, which is an excellent primer in how to implement the principles of real food.  However, there are sixty-something rules and it's a lot to tackle at first.  We boiled them down to five and we're working on those now.

1. Simpler is better - packaged foods should have 5 or fewer ingredients, no unpronounceable stuff, whole grains, full fat dairy, eat food that is as close as possible to how it appears in nature
2. Farmer's Market > Whole Foods > HEB - local, organic, grass-fed (meat and dairy), pastured (pork, poultry and eggs)
3. Cook at home - there are only a handful of restaurants that serve real food so dining out is becoming more of a treat
4. Lots of fruits and veggies - this is our biggest opportunity for improvement
5. Every bite is a conscious choice - paying more attention to both what and how much we eat

I hope to post some tips, recipes, favorite real food products, etc. and now you will know what we mean when we talk about "real food."

Henry Says

I've started a running list of the adorable things Mr. Henry says every day.  Pretty soon Sophie will be right there with him, but until then I will periodically post my favorite Henryisms.

"Sophie is too little. She drinks mama milk. I eat food." To a a random lady on the elevator at the pediatrician's office, and then also to one of Husband's coworkers.

"I yove turning the pages, Mommy."

"What is McKenna's dinosaur name? I think she is TriMcKennatops." We all have dinosaur names in our family.  Daddy Rex, Mommydactyl, Henrydon, and Sophiesaurus.  Cute, right?  Henry wanted his little friend McKenna to have one, too.

"Who yives in Aryington?" The answer is Husband's parents.  Henry asks this question whenever he thinks of them, often out of the blue while driving in the car.

"I'm gonna stop at the food station." He was driving hid tricycle around the kitchen.  Food station is analogous to gas station.

"Just me and you." Fever-induced sweetness.  I had just climbed into bed with him after a rough wake up.

"Wait a second... Where's the candy? We need to get more candy before Christmas." Completely out of the blue, says Husband. 

"Please carry me into my house made of bricks." Thanks to The Three Little Pigs we can never buy a house made of anything but bricks.

"I am not a hot mess. I am a cold mess." Contrarian to the max.  I probably shouldn't go around calling my kid a hot mess, but he clearly doesn't get it anyway. 

"Don't forget the constructions, Mom." While putting away the Hungry Caterpillar board game.  Contructions = instructions.

Me again

I have taken a very long break from blogging, but my interest has been reawakened lately.  This is largely due to Pinterest, which I avoided for the longest but to which I have recently succumbed.  I toyed around with creating a new blog, maybe on Flickr.  It would be like all those neat blogs I see on Pinterest, with yummy recipes and fun family activities all photographed beautifully and updated daily.  But who am I kidding?  I have spent three weeks searching for an original, adorable blog name and I can't even figure that part out.  Recent introspection has led me to realize that I prefer to wait until something can be perfect before I start.  I am a bipolar perfectionist - I'm either really lazy or totally awesome.  Motherhood is curing me of this tendency.  I haven't had a perfect day in three years, but it's not an option to sit in bed all day while the baby cries in her crib and Henry does God knows what to the house, so muddle through I must.  So... I will just try to be better about keeping up with Then Came Henry. 

Oh, yeah, I had that baby.  I am not 14 months pregnant.  She is awesome!  A more formal introduction to come...

24 Weeks & 27 Weeks

I never got around to a 24 week update, so this post covers two appointments.  I am at the end of my second trimester, with three more months to go.  That sounds like so long and also not very much time at all.

I actually lost a pound between weeks 24 and 27 because I had a horrible stomach bug a couple of weeks ago that prevented me from eating anything but ginger ale and saltines for about 4 days.  Thanks, Henry, you germy little bug.  I lost at least five pounds and it's been very slow to come back on.  My total weight gain for the pregnancy so far is now 14 pounds, which is great.  My goal is to gain 26 pounds or less this time, so I should be good.  The midwife was not at all concerned about my weight loss, and in fact told me that the baby would be just fine if I didn't gain another ounce.  My fundal height is also more in line with the 1 cm per week guidelines (if you recall I was 3 cm ahead at one point), and Girl Baby is still rocking and rolling in there.

I had my one hour glucose test yesterday, which screens for Gestational Diabetes.  It's not pleasant to drink the sugar stuff first thing in the morning, but the fruit punch flavor wasn't bad.  I felt vaguely unwell the rest of the day, either starving or a bit nauseous. They called to say that I barely passed with a 121, which is funny because I passed with a 136 when I was pregnant with Henry.  Different practitioners have a different cutoff, usually 130 or 140.  The birth center sends you for the three hour test at 125, but they are much more cautious there since GD can be a reason to risk you out and send you packing.

Slowly but surely I am eliminating reasons I could be risked out of having this baby at the birth center.  No gestational diabetes, placenta is nice and high, everything looked perfect on the ultrasound, and baby has been head down since 17 weeks and we're hoping she stays that way.   My blood pressure has been great, so low that the midwife said she'd be really surprised if it ever gets high enough to be worrisome.  I am borderline anemic, but I am hoping some Floradix will take care of that. (Floradix is a liquid iron supplement you can buy at Whole Foods.  I took it when I turned up anemic after Henry's birth.  Since it's liquid and plant based it is more easily absorbed than traditional supplements and it doesn't cause constipation.  Very important when your downstairs is in delicate shape following childbirth. I highly recommend it, despite the nasty taste.)  I know lots of things can still happen in the last trimester, but I am hoping everything continues on postively.

This post has been very boring and medical.  After the excitement of the ultrasound, appointments just aren't as fun these days.  My 24 week appointment was hard because I had to bring Henry with me.  I usually go when he's in school but they were booked up and Husband couldn't come as he usually does.  Henry was great in the waiting room but his patience ran out by the time they called us back.  He was horrible in the kind of way that's terribly embarrassing even though the midwife has kids of her own.  I did get to fill out the super secret questionnaire they've never given me before since Husband has been at every other appointment.  It asks about education, employment, living arrangements, and several questions about history of abuse.  Thankfully I could say no to all of them.  One asked if my partner had been verbally abusive to me during this pregnancy.  Good thing it wasn't the other way around or I would have said yes! But I doubt that they would find jokes about the domestic violence risk assessment to be very funny so I kept that one to myself.

At the 27 week appointment yesterday I finally asked something that keeps creeping into my head.  What happens if the baby comes so fast that we don't make it to the birth center?  Obviously if you are planning to go to the hospital anyway you can call an ambulance.  But then you spend the first moments after the birth riding in an ambulance with strangers, getting wheeled through the ER, and then you are admitted and stuck there for a day or two.  Of course I am happy to be at the hospital if the need arises but it's really not part of the plan this time around.  If it the baby comes in the car we are supposed to keep driving.  Can't really imagine Husband continuing to drive down 183 while I push a baby out, but whatever.  If it happens at home they will send a midwife to check on us, although obviously we will go ahead and call that ambulance if something doesn't seem right.  My labor with Henry took 20 hours, so I'm fairly sure none of this will happen.  Right? 

Potty Training: Not Yet

I was hoping to write a post outlining all of our wonderful successes with potty training.  Not so much.  I thought Henry was ready, but I just don't think he is.  He was very excited about going to the potty, but now I realize that there's much more to being ready than thinking flushing is fun.  Here's how the past three days have gone...

Day 1
We stayed home and Henry was completely naked on the bottom.  He was very excited about going to the potty and especially about getting that M&M after.  As a result we went to the potty about 50 times, no joke.  He peed about 20 times but only pooped in his diaper, which he wore at nap and bedtime.  He didn't have a single accident.  I finished the day exhausted but encouraged.

Ain't he cute in his Percy undies?

Day 2
After the great success the previous day, I decided to bust out the big boy undies.  He had two accidents first off, and then none the rest of the day.  I had to set the timer to remind him to go every 30 minutes, and occasionally he would ask to go on his own. 

Day 3
Again in big boy undies at home.  Started off the morning fine, and even rode with Daddy to pick up some bagels for breakfast without incident. I went to take a nap around 10:30 and that's when all hell broke loose.  He had a couple of accidents before nap, and then after nap I went to get him and he protested sitting on the potty.  He still wanted to wear the big boy undies but didn't want to pee on the potty.  Later on we were on the potty happily singing an endless round of Old MacDonald and he suddenly just freaked out and hugged me while he cried, still sitting on the potty.  This afternoon he had some success (stayed dry during a short walk) and two more accidents.  I am feeling increasingly demoralized and Henry seems stressed.  Though I have not ever lost my cool with him about accidents, I have been increasingly short with him in general.

So we've had 0 accidents on day one, 2 accidents on day two, and 4 accidents on day three.  Most of those accidents happened just after going potty.  I realize looking back that he was successful on the first day because he went to the potty so many times that he never needed to hold it. Based on his diapers I know that he can hold it longer than he is, but for whatever reason that's just not happening.  He is peeing only a dribble at a time, so I suspect he might not be patient enough to let it all out, or to wait till he really has to go.

After much discussion, we have decided to table the potty training for now.  It was a hard decision because I don't want to give up if we're close to a breakthrough.  Then I think that if he was really, truly ready he wouldn't just be successful for me and not Daddy, or when naked, or when I remind him every 30 minutes.  We could keep going and maybe find success in a few weeks, but at what cost? Hanging around the house so much is driving us crazy.  There's a dark cloud over all three of us, and I just don't think it's worth it.  The process will be a lot easier on everyone if we wait until he is truly ready, both physically and emotionally.  At 2 years and 5 months he's still on the young side.  And changing diapers is SO MUCH EASIER than potty training, especially when your kid won't poop in the potty, so I don't see a huge downside to waiting. 

Hopefully we'll have good news to report in a couple of months, when it can be his idea and his accomplishment, not ours.

Girl Baby's Bird Nursery

Secretly, one of the reasons that I really wanted Girl Baby (as Henry calls her) to be a girl is that I had a vision for a girl nursery. Such a superficial thing, but I'm a planner, what can I say? The room that will be her nursery is currently painted something similar to this color. Maybe a teensy bit lighter or brighter.
Although is it blue I had the hardest time finding any bedding I liked for the nursery if we had another boy. But I could just see it set up for a girl: white furniture, pink curtains, etc. Maybe it's cause boy stuff in general is just not as fun. I feel bad because I put very little effort into Henry's nursery but I am so psyched to decorate the room for Girl Baby. Since I am a muggle and Husband is watching Harry Potter part 173 tonight, in anticipation to go see part 174 later, I thought I would take the time to post some ideas for the nursery that I have been collecting.

Furniture
I think white would look so pretty in that room. So far I am liking this Graco crib (which converts to a toddler bed, a must for me) and a girly looking armoire from Ikea. I am kind of cheap when it comes to nursery furniture because it's only used so briefly. If we were in our forever house I might be more inclined to invest in a nicer armoire but I have no idea if we will have a place for it when we move in a couple of years. I'm doing the armoire so I will have somewhere to hang all the pretty dresses, and the closet is out since we have nowhere else to put all the Christmas decorations, winter coats, my wedding dress, etc. that are currently stored in there. No dresser or changing table cause the room has a window seat that's just the right height for changing a diaper. I should post a picture, but I'd have to walk all the way to the other room and then download it onto my computer and I am just that lazy.

In my opinion, the one piece of nursery furniture that's worth the investment is a good glider. I'm reusing this one from Henry's room. Also, I think my dad is going to build a display bookshelf with some storage baskets at the bottom.

Fabric
I found an awesome place called Carousel Designs (website is babybedding.com) that has tons of great bedding and accessories - both modern and cutesy. You can just order the items as they appear or you can create custom bedding using any of their fabrics. They have the neatest design tool that allows you to visualize what you create, including choosing the room color, crib color, flooring, etc. Check out the Love Birds collection. They sent me some fabric swatches and it looks awesome in the nursery. Their prices are not cheap but not absurd, especially since you can pick and choose which items to order. For example, this time around I am not bothering with a crib bumper that is really only decorative and apparently unsafe for the wee one.

This is the love birds fabric, though I am conscious not to overuse it. I don't want her to feel like she's in a Hitchcock movie. I think this will be an accent pillow for the glider, an extra sheet, and maybe the changing pad.

This is the coordinating damask fabric. It will be the crib skirt.

This is called pink circles. I might use it for the trim on the crib skirt and the sheet. Not sure yet. I'm thinking pink circles for the curtains, maybe? I haven't decided yet if I will just buy this fabric and ask my mom to hem it into curtains or buy the premade curtains that look like this.

That's pink circles with damask at the bottom and blue ties. Are they too busy? Or is it good to repeat the damask elsewhere in the room? Maybe the curtains should just be the damask fabric instead. Oy.

Accessories
I have found an overwhelming number of wall decals in the tree/branch/vine family that would look cute by/over the crib. I'm hopeful that they will work on our textured walls. Whatever we choose will be white, maybe with some pink birds or flowers. Here's one of my favorites:

I would like to find a few bird cages to hang from the ceiling. My mom already has a neat one she'd like to give Girl Baby, so I've just got to keep my eye out for a couple more. It should look something like the cages in this sweet nursery, which I found on this blog.


Maybe I'll get this vintage lamp from Etsy, minus the extraneous twigs. I just can't get excited about a standard lamp.

I have found tons of cute birdhouses online but I wonder if both birdhouses and bird cages are a bit much. I also like the idea of Chinese lanterns hanging... somewhere... but good golly that's lots of decorative crap in a small room and all for one tiny person. I keep reassuring Husband that (a) most of these things are rather cheap, and (b) I will edit all my ideas down so you don't walk in the room and think BIRDS! look at all the BIRDS! I promise there will be no creepy stuffed birds in the birdcages, though Etsy would clearly like to sell me some.

Wow, that's a lot longer than I anticipated. I can't wait to get started but we are probably going to wait until January or so to move her into the room, and once we set up the nursery we will lose our guest bed so that's a reason to wait till after the holidays to put it all together. What do you think? What would you do for the curtains? Should I go ahead and grab that lamp? Decisions, decisions.

20 Weeks

I wrote this last week but just now got around to dropping the ultrasound pics in so I could post it.

Today we had our 20 week appointment at the birth center. It was with a midwife I'd met before and like. She's very German (I don't know how else to say it) but was also kind and understanding at my first appointment when I was still very nervous after our previous loss. Baby's heartbeat was ~150 and I am measuring 23 cm at 20 weeks, which is big but not enough to be of concern. I find that this baby is growing in spurts more than Henry did. It's almost worrisome that I am not growing at all and then BAM! my belly grows noticeably overnight. That happened last week so I'm guessing that explains the big measurement.

During the appointment I mostly just wanted the midwife to shut up and move it along so we could get to our ultrasound. With Henry I didn't even want to find out until Husband talked me into it, but this time I have been dying to know if it was a boy or a girl since the beginning. I just want it to be healthy, I'll be happy for Henry to have a brother, I love being the mom of a boy, yadda, yadda, yadda, but we both were hoping for a girl, to be honest.

Of course that's not the point of the ultrasound, so you have to play it cool at first. It was both interesting and emotional to see all the little parts as the tech measured them. I really liked the guy who did the ultrasound. It felt more thorough than Henry's, but maybe that's just because he explained each step to us very clearly. Everything he examined and measured looked perfect - brain, heart, stomach, diaphragm, femur, tiny little feet, placenta position. He also said the weight of the baby and the volume of the amniotic fluid were both spot on for 20 weeks, so my fundal measurement is probably just cause I'm fat (my interpretation, not his). It was crazy because I didn't feel any movement at all as the baby rolled around, and at one point seemed to pet the inside of my uterus. It makes me wonder what kind of acrobatics are going on when I do feel it.

Face and belly in profile.

Tiny feet.

So of course we were thrilled that baby is healthy, and quite photogenic, but WHAT IS IT? The tech zoomed in between the legs and said, "What do you think?" Husband and I were both afraid to answer. There wasn't an obvious penis, but I couldn't tell what was what in Henry's ultrasound either so I was afraid to say girl. Husband didn't want to insult his manhood if there was indeed manhood there. With us unwilling to go out on a limb for fear of emotionally scarring our fetus, the tech jumped in and said girl. He even typed it on the screen, so it must be true. Apparently those two little lines are labia. I asked him a total of three times during the ultrasound, and his answer didn't change. Aren't her tiny little labia soooooo cute?

This is taken from below, back/butt on the left, one leg on the upper right,
other leg out of view, probably kicking my bladder.

So we are thrilled, both to have a peek at the wee one, and to know that we can start calling it a she instead. It's exactly what we've always wanted, but it almost feels too perfect. I know it's the experience of miscarriage talking, but it's hard not to keep saying "if we have a girl someday." Pregnancy is just different after a loss, both in good ways and bad.

We showed Henry the ultrasound pictures and told him it was a girl baby. He cared very little about this information. Tonight at bedtime I told him again that the baby in mama's belly is a girl baby and he said, "boy baby, no girl baby," very seriously. Well, sorry kid.

All Done Pim Yessons

Henry just finished the Turtle class at our local city pool. Parent and tot swim lessons with a two year-old are a bit of a death march. It felt like they would never end. Other mommies can attest that just getting a toddler dressed, sunscreened, and to the pool on time is a challenge. We had classes four days a week for two weeks at 5:00. At first I was worried that it would be too hot but Henry was shivering by the end of the first class, so I actually would recommend afternoon classes over the morning ones.

On day one Henry blew bubbles like a champ. He liked to kick but refused to do "ice cream scoops" with his hands. These are the three basic things the turtles learn, so two out of three isn't bad. On day one I learned that it's best to be the first mommy in the pool and the last mommy out because otherwise the rest of the class gets to watch your mom butt climb up and down the ladder.

On days two and three Henry pretty much refused to blow bubbles or scoop his hands, and directed most of his kicks at my pregnant belly. Every time the teacher came around he gave her the evilest of eyes and refused to do anything at all, except scream "all done pim yessons!" while climbing up my shoulders. He did really enjoy jumping in the pool, which was super fun the first two times. Then it got exhausting since I had to lift him to the pool deck and catch him as I pulled him toward the water since he didn't jump out very far. He came pretty close to hitting his head on the concrete more than once, and almost never waited until I was ready before he jumped. The evening of day three I had cramps for about three hours, so we didn't even make it on day four.

Thankfully Husband was off work this week so he took over swim duty. I don't really know what happened this week, except I stopped by on Monday to take some pictures.

See what I mean about pulling him in the pool?

Apparently if you blow in his face first he won't die when dunked underwater.

All is forgiven because the swim teachers very smartly start singing "Swishy Fish" as soon as the kids are back above water. I'm going to start tempering all bad news with fun songs. "Henry, Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced... Row, row, row your boat!"

Thursday was the last day of swim lessons. Our class spent the whole day playing on and around the slide. I was amazed at how independent and confident Henry was in the water. He wore his Puddle Jumper (which is awesome, by the way) and kicked and paddled all around. He is no longer freaked out when the water is too deep for his feet to touch the bottom. We only had to help him once or twice when he got some water in his mouth. He seems to really hate that, so I figure at some point he'll learn to keep his mouth closed in the pool. Even so, it is so much easier to take him to the pool now. I'm still shocked, since it seemed like he did almost nothing of value during the actual lessons (not that the lessons themselves weren't valuable). After the first week I warned a couple of friends that swim lessons weren't really worth it at this age, but I need to revise that opinion. They are worth it in the way that childbirth is worth it. Just don't expect the process to be fun. I can't wait till next year when I sit and read a book while some poor girl gets to take Henry and the other three year-olds in the pool.

He was way more excited about the goldfish and apple juice they gave him than the certificate.

16 Weeks

We had another appointment at the birth center yesterday and all is well. Little baby's heart is beating away and my uterus is measuring spot on. My uterus is a star student. It always measured to the centimeter with Henry, too.

I also met a new midwife and talked to her about my diet. The birth center requires patients to record everything they eat for a week so they can review it. So different from my last pregnancy with an OB. The nurse there gave me a pamphlet about eating healthy at the beginning and then no one seemed to care that I gained 48 pounds by the end. At one point the nurse said, "Don't worry, it's all baby." And I said, "Thanks, but I'm pretty sure this baby isn't going to weigh 40 pounds." I was counting on losing the weight by breastfeeding, but based on an informal survey of moms I know, that only works for about half of women. I am not in the favorable half. So here I am pregnant again and starting a good bit heavier than I did with Henry. I am hoping to gain about half as much weight this time, and definitely to weigh no more at the end than I did with Henry. The midwife had positive things to say about my diet chart except that I should ditch my morning OJ, which I will probably ignore unless I fail my glucose test since it's such an easy way to get vitamin C (strengthens your amniotic sac to prevent premature rupture) and extra calcium.

I'm not sure I've talked about the birth center before. Husband and I have had a lot of discussion about where to have this baby (this actually started with the last pregnancy). I liked my OB practice well enough but as time has passed I am finding myself less than excited to go back. The office is so much busier, and while I love all the midwives and one of the OBs, I kind of hate the other one and most of the office staff. But mainly I am just not sure I want to birth at the hospital. I appreciate what OBs and hospitals do when circumstances require their expertise and technology, but it's honestly overkill for most normal births. For a variety of reasons I personally have no interest in a medicalized birth, including an epidural. That means I am automatically swimming upstream when I show up at the hospital. I was not quite comfortable with an out-of-hospital birth the first time, but now I am much more so.

We thought about home birth, and even found a very experienced midwife. But we just couldn't pull the trigger for a couple of reasons. One, it's about 20 minutes from our house to a major hospital in the case of transfer (the closest hospitals don't have 24/7 anesthesiology so they wouldn't work for an emergency cesarean). That's just too far for my personal comfort level, though people do home birth in the sticks all the time. Also my parents kind of freaked at the mention of a home birth and I'm sure Husband's parents would as well. I am really intrigued by the idea of a home birth but I'm not attached enough to deal with family drama for the duration of the pregnancy.

So we settled on the birth center. It is staffed by midwives, though a supervising OB reviews patient records and can consult in the case of a complication during pregnancy. It's within 5 minutes of the major hospital, which is close enough for me in the very unlikely event that we need to transfer. The rooms are so much nicer than a hospital, homey with a big deep jacuzzi tub. They are experts in normal birth, but have all the medical doo-dads necessary in case of emergency. They never take the baby away and we get to go home after 6-8 hours of observation. Their stats are amazing, and there is a very low likelihood that (as happened at my first birth) Gidget the 23 year old nurse who has never pushed anything out of her vagina will tell me, "You can either push or stay pregnant forever."* The downside is that I still have to ride in the car in labor and that I will get whoever is on call instead of my personal midwife like I would if I had a home birth. In some minds it's the worst of both worlds but I think it's the right choice for us.

I am feeling better overall, but I have never been so tired in my life. My pediatrician and my mom both agree that being pregnant with the second is more tiring than actually having another baby. I sure hope that's true. Between peeing 2-3 times a night, Husband snoring, and Henry waking up early I feel a bit like a Gitmo detainee being tortured. Also, I threw up yesterday for the first time in either pregnancy. WTF? I'm 16 weeks pregnant and I'm not even nauseous anymore. It was somewhere between a dry heave and actually vomiting, but not the way I wanted to start my morning. Apparently bending over to spit after I brush my teeth triggers a gag reflex now, so I have to stand tall and spit delicately from a great height. This bothers me more than other, more difficult aspects of pregnancy because seriously, WTF? Is brushing my teeth without barfing now considered a luxury?

Otherwise we are humming right along with the pregnancy. I think I am starting to feel the baby move a little bit here and there, which is very exciting. At the end of the month we have our 20 week appointment and ultrasound so we get to find out if it's a boy or a girl, and then we get to start fighting about names. Henry kinda sorta seems to understand that there is a baby in there. Mostly this is because I say, "No hurt the baby!" when he climbs on me. He pretty consistently says he wants a girl baby or "dister" but I'm not sure he knows what that means. He likes to put the balloons we get at HEB under his shirt, and yesterday I told him the umbilical cord was sticking out (the string) so he repeated "uhical code" for about an hour afterward. I am looking very forward to him holding and kissing the baby when he meets it, and then to hearing him say "bye bye baby" for many months thereafter.

*Yes, that really happened, no her name was not Gidget but that's what I call her, and for the record I pushed that baby out in 30 minutes without following any of her ridiculous instructions.

News!

So I have been blogging, just not posting. Here's the last 7 weeks in one long and rambling post.

March 10
Yesterday I took another pregnancy test (after several negative tests over the past week). It was a digital and it took forever to come up positive. I must be barely pregnant because in my experience a digital will say "pregnant" pretty quickly if it's positive. I carried it around the house for a few minutes, checking it as I could between Henry needing my attention, until it finally said pregnant. Then I ran into the bathroom where Husband was about to get in the shower. I'm sure he's glad that he was naked when he found out about this baby, and also that I told you all that. I hugged him and tried to feel happy but I was completely numb. I thought it would be more emotional to get pregnant again, but the joy and fear seemed to cancel each other out.

I took another test this morning that also said pregnant, much faster than yesterday's. It feels more real today. I am trying very hard not to obsess about it, and doing well so far. At first I was worried because in my other pregnancies I tested positive very early, but this time not until after my period was due. And then the test took so long I had prepared myself for a negative. But I know from experience how fragile pregnancy is, even if everything goes perfectly at the beginning. I sure do miss the innocence of Henry's pregnancy.

March 14
Meat! I could eat an entire cow, and then wash it down with a milkshake. Meat and dairy are typical pregnancy cravings for me so I guess this is a good sign. I fear this baby will be born with a smoke ring because all I can think about is eating a pile of brisket.

March 21
I'm about 6 weeks now and am expecting the morning sickness to hit any time now. Feeling pregnant, even in the form of barfiness, will be reassuring. So far the cravings are my only significant pregnancy symptom. It's 9:30 a.m., I just worked out, and I could seriously eat an entire pizza right now.

March 22
I finally had a couple of spells of real morning sickness today. Also, Husband annoyance level is Defcon 5. I'm really thankful for the morning sickness because it's a sign that things are progressing well. Does that mean that I should also be celebrating that Husband is annoying the bejesus out of me?

March 23
I am SO tired of having to pee ALL the time. Couldn't make it through a one hour nap today. I think I'm having a litter.

March 30
I'm 7 weeks along now and still nauseous, which is a positive sign. I am feeling a little masochistic though. Every morning I want to wake up and feel energetic and not barfy, but if I have a good day then I start to doubt all of the optimistic feelings I have about this baby. We have an ultrasound one week from today and I so want to see a little heartbeat this time.

April 4
First appointment/ultrasound is in two days. Last time around I was fully expecting bad news with the awareness that everything might be fine. Now that's flipped and I am feeling much more optimistic. It helps that I feel very blarfy.

April 5
Today for lunch I put a colander of grapes in front of Henry. I'd feel bad except he loves pulling grapes off the stem. "I dit tit!" he exclaims every time. There was other food, too, but the point is that growing a baby AND putting grapes on a plate is just too much for me right now.

I think I am dying of pregnant. This baby is eating my brain. I have now been pregnant for approximately forever, and this baby is 20% complete as of today. I don't wish for the morning sickness to go away, but I would sell my soul to fast forward about a month. I am really testing my resolve to never complain about morning sickness again.

April 7
Yesterday we had our first appointment and ultrasound. There is a little blob in there and it's upper middle is fluttering! That means it's little heart is beating, though it was hard to count the rate. It measured 8 weeks and 1 day three different times, which is exactly how far along I think I am. So good news all around, though I am having a hard time processing all of it. We are now past the point of the last miscarriage and we had a reassuring ultrasound, I'm starting to feel my uterus pop, and food aversions and blarfiness are stronger than ever. I'm starting to wonder when I will be able to get excited about this baby. Well, I am excited by the prospect of having a baby in November. Maybe confident is a better word than excited. Basically, my uterus got dumped hard and then a couple of months later jumped right into a new relationship, and those are always iffy. That's how I explained it to Husband.

So when will I feel confident? I'm really looking forward to our next appointment at 12 weeks, when we should be able to hear the heartbeat on doppler as opposed to just seeing a flutter if you squint hard enough. And then in late June we get to have a 20 week ultrasound and find out what this little bugger is. If it's a girl I get to start buying stuff. Pink stuff! I guess that's when I will really get excited.

April 16
Chugging right along, feeling miserable. I think the nausea is waning but the constant hunger combined with aversion to almost any food is tiring. I know I would feel so much better if I are a normal meal (grilled chicken, veggies, roasted potatoes) but I just can't. I'm almost 10 weeks and it's bound to get better soon, right?

Also, when someone tells you they are 9 weeks pregnant it is not okay to say, "You looked like to might be pregnant." Nope, this baby is the size of a grape. I'm just still fat from the last one.

April 19
I just knew this would happen. Fifth's disease is going around Henry's preschool. Ugh. It's usually not a big deal, except that it can cause miscarriage in pregnant women. It presents as a runny nose until a rash develops a week or two later and then it becomes obvious that it's Fifth's. Of course by then all the little kids have blown snot bubbles all over each other, so it tends to go around for weeks.

I can't keep Henry home from school for the next seven months. Even if I did he could easily pick it up from the library, a friend, etc. I think it's just part of pregnancy with a toddler. The good news is that 50% of all adults are already immune, but if I did get it the miscarriage rate among pregnant women infected before 20 weeks is 10%.

The only thing I can really do is get an expensive blood test that will tell me if I am immune or not. Hopefully I am and I will pay a bunch of money to learn that I can stop worrying. Or I'm not and we will monitor the pregnancy more closely if Henry gets the rash.

I really hope this is nothing. Of course I'm more anxious about it than I otherwise would be because I can't stand the thought of another miscarriage, especially losing an otherwise healthy baby. And I have spent the past month trying not to barf and I darn well expect to have a cute baby to show for it at the end.

April 21
I am sick(ish). I have a horrible headache, a very small fever, and occasionally let out a moan to express my general displeasure at being awake. Fifth's? I had my blood drawn yesterday so I and I should get the results early next week. In the meantime I am staring at Henry's cheeks for signs of a rash. It's so hard to tell whether or not he has Fifth's because he's fair and his cheeks are often red.

April 24
Pretty sure Henry had Fifth's, as the redness in his cheeks is turning lacy.

April 26
Got the results of my Fifth's disease test today. It looks like I have immunity from a previous exposure, but the want me to retest in a month to make sure. I had already come to peace about the whole thing but, you know, Whew!

April 30
Me: (pausing the TV and jamming my hand down my pants) I swear I feel something!
Joel: Really?!
Me: Ya. But probably I'll just fart in a minute.

I know it's too early (I'm 11.5 weeks now), but I swear sometimes I feel stuff in my uteral region. Often it turns out to be gas but not always. It's probably the sensations of things growing and shifting around in there to make room for the whole other person living inside of me, but it's fun to imagine otherwise. Also, this is why the romance dies when you have kids. Husband doesn't really need to be interested to know if I farted or not.

May 2
My second appointment! I have been anxiously awaiting this day because hearing the heartbeat so close to the end of the first trimester is very reassuring. And we did hear it, after some searching. This little stinker was waaaay over on the right side so it took the midwife some time to find the heartbeat. But we did and it was a strong 150 bpm, just right for a 12 week babe.

We also talked some more about the Fifth's disease drama. Today I saw a CNM who's been doing OB for 20 years and has only seen one mom in all that time have a negative outcome due to Fifth's. She thinks that when I felt crummy that one day it could have been Fifth's but my previously acquired immunity protected me and the baby from a full-blown illness. She also said that at this point, with the baby still being so small, if it were going to have trouble it would have by now. So a strong heartbeat today is very reassuring. We decided to skip the second blood test because I already feel reassured and all we can really do is monitor the baby anyway.

So a happy day for us. I am so looking forward to putting the miscarriage and Fifth's disease behind us and getting on with a normal, healthy pregnancy. My due date is mid-November, so only 5.5 months left to go!

31, etc.

I'm 31 today. I'm starting to be at the age where birthdays don't really matter much, though it is nice to have a day that is at least partially about me. Husband and Henry were both good to me, and my extended family, too. And now I have gift certificates to spend at Amazon, Container Store, and iTunes.

I am more excited that Husband has the entire next week off work and we have no big plans to speak of. I would love to go somewhere fabulous but instead we had a kid. We will find some fun family things to do around town but I am relieved not to have to pack the kiddo up in the car (or worse, a plane) because that is no vacation for Mama. Also, I have to get our house back in order. Husband was home sick on Thursday and Friday and in the past four days our house has become a cluttered mess and our fridge is empty. I love having him around, but I wish I could figure out a way to do that without getting completely off my game.

My big boy is 2!

He's not a little caterpillar anymore. He demands to choose his own pajamas. "I dee yit!" (I did it!) is his favorite phrase. He puts his rain boots on all by himself, sometimes even on the correct feet. He hugs his friends and says bye-bye to the cashier every time we check out. The other day he said, "Biss, Mama," and kissed me right on the mouth. He loves dump trucks ("a bump bump") and Thomas the Tank ("whoo whoo"). He's got fears and knows when things are funny.

Nine years ago (or in another life, it seems) I went to India as part of my semester abroad. Someone told us that it is a country of extremes: the colors bold, the food so spicy, the desserts almost sickeningly sweet, the Taj Mahal gorgeous and serene, but the river you cross to get to it smells like an open sewer. I think having a two year-old is much the same. There have definitely been some frustrations lately (see: locked in bathroom) and wonderful moments, too ("biss").

Today we had mostly wonderful moments. I'm glad my sweet boy got to have a fun and happy birthday. I intend to write a post soon with pictures and details about his dump truck party. Happy Birthday Henry!

Really? Really.

I'm writing this blog from my bathroom. Henry and I are locked in and he is not handling it well. He broke the lock off into the doorknob.


See? So the knob was stuck in the locked position. I went all Mommy McGyver (sp?) and used a pair of scissors I found in the bathroom drawer to take the screws out. Knob off, lock still engaged. So I pulled the pins out of the hinges. Still stuck.

I called MFF and my dad and neither answered. I was about to start calling other mommy friends who might be able to come bust us out but then I got a hold of Husband. He's canceling a meeting to come kick the door down. Truth be told I think he enjoys being needed for such a manly task.

So here we sit. Meanwhile, Miss Jane is at the library singing Five Little Monkeys without us.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

It's Hard to be Little

It's also hard to be Little's mom. When Henry was a few months old I realized it never really gets easier, just different. Today we experienced the following...

-Henry woke up super early after staying up till 10:30 last night. Because overtired children sleep less, not more. I generally think kids will get what they need (nutrition, developmental play, etc.) but sleep is the exception that proves that rule.

-We had a guy come look at our hideous bathroom this morning. He called right as I was putting Henry in his car seat so we had to head back in the house. He screamed "GO GO" for a good 30 minutes but eventually let out a big sigh and said, "bye bye, go go." How sad/cute is that? The estimate is about twice what we'd like to spend, which has nothing to do with Henry but still stinks.

-Finally made it to Target and Henry lost it at the sound of one of those electric carts for disabled people backing up. I mean terrified, clinging to me, snot all over my shoulder, random lady asking if she could give him candy to make him stop crying. So I bought him a donut. He can blame me when he's an emotional eater later. He'll probably be so fat he needs one of those carts that beeps when you back up. The irony!

-We went to Party City to pick up a few things for Henry's birthday and I bought a balloon to placate him while I ordered some for the party. In the car he let go of it and cried all the way home while I tried really hard not to yell, "IT'S TIED TO YOU. %#*@ING FIGURE IT OUT!" Then we got home and he freaked out again because the balloon followed him in the house. Again, it's tied to you. Figure it out.

-Henry kicked me repeatedly every time I changed his diaper today. And if I held his legs he hit me. And if I held his arms he could not hit or kick me but then I had no hands left to WIPE HIS ASS. So he had several naked-from-the-waist-down time outs today. Jumping, screaming, business flapping - hilarious except for the part when he kicked me in the face.

- Speaking of naked from the waist down, I went in to get Henry from nap and found him pantsless, jeans thrown across the room, saying, "Oh, no, pants!" Okay, this one is actually pretty cute. Thank God he had pooped just before nap. No telling what he would have done if he'd been armed.

I am SO THANKFUL for Husband today. Also, I know typing in ALL CAPS IS LIKE YELLING. But I can't yell at the kid. Most of today was worse for him than it was for me. That's the hard part about two.

2011 in 2011 Update

46 - magazines recycled
4 - Goodwill
7 - Husband's baby clothes returned to MIL
42 - old toiletries, expired medicine, etc. tossed from the bathroom
16 - miscellaneous stuff from the desk drawer trashed
9 - cards from my wallet gone
1 - gingerbread house in the trash (although I appreciate MIL bringing it to us after I left it there at Christmas)
25 - junk from the drawers in Henry's room tossed

150 more things out of my house!

Total: 358, 1653 left to go, $25

I've decided to track the money made as well, which is a nice benefit to this experiment. I've made $25 at Half Price Books so far. I hope to make a bunch more and bump my total items up a bit when I take some of Henry's old stuff to the MamaCents sale next month. Another big benefit, but harder to track than items gone or dollars made, is the fact that so many of the things we kept are actually where they go now. It's already getting easier to keep the house clean. And Husband seems to be on board. He's been asking me about cleaning out our files and I responded as I usually do when he thinks up a project: "Uh, knock yourself out." But this time he's actually doing it. Our new file cabinet arrives in 1-3 days.

Snow Day!

We started off the day making pancakes. Henry is getting pretty good at spooning out flour.

All bundled up to go outside. The rain boots he's been wearing every day for two weeks finally have a purpose.

It turns out snow is pretty cold. Henry refused to wear mittens on our first trip out and he regretted it after just a couple of minutes.

Back outside with mittens this time. You can see that we really didn't get too much snow. Maybe half an inch or a little more?

Attempting to throw snowballs at Dada. They stuck to his mittens so he had to get pretty close. He calls snowballs "bay-baw" which means baseball. I thought that was a neat connection for a kid who never holds a baseball, but reads about them in his current favorite book (I Want a Hat Like That featuring Grover).

Found the dump truck sitting int he middle of the yard filled with ice. He spent about 20 minutes filling, dumping, and pushing it all over the backyard.

He protested greatly when it was time to come in. He found a dry pair of mittens and wore the the rest of the morning. The one good thing I can say about this cold snap is that Henry no longer hates hats, coats, and mittens.

This picture was taken yesterday, day two of being trapped in the house because 18 degrees is just too cold to play outside when you're little. (Or maybe it's just too cold to stand and watch when you're 30). It was also day two of Henry being super duper grouchy. I took him to the store because I thought it would help to get out of the house but he was an absolute terror. So I broke down and had Husband drag the climber in from the backyard, frozen mud, dead gecko, and all. Henry immediately became a different kid. He needed to move! It's just not in a toddler's nature to be still indoors for more than a couple of hours. I wonder if a bouncy house would fit in my living room.

Arctic Blast 2011

Henry is afraid of beeps, fire alarms, and the lights going out. This is a new development. It started on Saturday when we flipped the breakers to replace some light switches and the alarm did that intermittent beep thing that happens when it loses power. I suspect he would have forgotten all about it except the fire alarm went off at school on Monday. Today we had rolling blackouts all over the state because Texas just shouldn't be this cold. So our alarm beeped and apparently the fire alarm at school goes off when there's no power. Poor kid can't catch a break. Now he's deathly afraid of even being in the building at school so they called me to pick him up early. Our alarm beeped one time this afternoon and he cried, "beep beep all done," for 30 minutes. So sad-cute.

Husband has bronchitis and his coughing kept us both up all night. And since he's a brain surgeon he still had to work this morning.

And me... well there's nothing wrong with me. Except for my sick husband who is of very little help with our suddenly incredibly fragile son. Also, it's really cold. A big winter storm is kind of fun when it's an excuse to take a day off work and hide out at home. But when you're a mommy being trapped inside just makes everything harder. And I still have to go out in the 16 degree weather tomorrow morning to buy groceries. Also, I have a big zit on my face and every time I pick Henry up he presses on it and says, "Mama bobo." Insult to injury.

I have always liked cold weather, way more than a native Texan should. But I cannot wait until spring!

Henry was cute in January

Trying to tie Daddy's shoes.

Helping Mama measure flour for pizza dough. I keep hoping for that day when helping with dinner increases his interest in actually eating it.


Henry has been really into scooping rice or dried beans lately. And then he likes to dump it on the kitchen floor so he can use the broom.


Painting on his new easel (purple and red so I can pretend he made me a Valentine). I took off his clothes so they wouldn't also be purple and red but he insisted on keeping the "Dada ocks." I was nervous about paint + Henry but he did great... until he was done and ran through the house with a loaded red brush.

Helping Mama put up Valentine's decorations.

What do you say to someone who's having a miscarriage?

This is something that's been on my mind since we found out we were losing our baby four weeks ago. I've been undecided about whether or not to put this on the blog. Obviously it's personal, but I'm also sensitive about trying to speak for every woman who'll ever have a miscarriage. How it affects her depends on a great number of factors, like: Is this her first miscarriage or her third? Did she "know" or was it a total shock? What are her chances of having another baby? Does she have a supportive partner? How's her life going in general? I've been lucky, my life is pretty great, but having a miscarriage is still a hard, hard thing. My hope in writing this is to help others know how to be supportive to a mom in that horrible position. It's based primarily on my experiences with a bit of input from other women who've been there. Feel free to leave a different perspective in the comments. Thanks for reading.

You don't have to say much, but say something. It's bizarre to go through an emotionally and physically traumatizing experience while those around you are pretending it didn't happen. It's hard to know what to say, so a lot of people don't say anything at all. Or they might be afraid to bring up such an emotional topic in public. I found myself in the same position when a friend from playgroup had a miscarriage a few months before me, so I get it. I didn't want to make her cry in the middle of the mall. But one of the hard things about miscarriage is that there is so little acknowledgment of the loss. And the loneliness only grows when the people around you seem awkward in your presence. "We've been thinking of you," "So sorry to hear your news," or simply, "How are you doing?" goes a long way. Those can all open up a conversation if she is in the mood to talk, but if not it's easy for her to say thanks and move along. One final thing: you don't have to wait for her to mention it. I felt awkward bringing it up everywhere I went but I still appreciated hearing kind words.

Acknowledge her thoughts and feelings. Healing after a miscarriage is like going on a bear hunt: you've just got to go through it. And getting through it is a whole lot easier when you have friends and family who will listen without judgment. Offer condolences and try to understand what she has to say, but be careful not to interject your perspective too much. You may have some thoughts that make it easier for you to process it, but there is nothing you can say that will make her feel better. It can be hard to hear that everything happens for a reason when your baby just died, or any of the other well-meaning but insensitive things people often say. One thing that did help me tremendously - talking to other moms who have had miscarriages. Even if you don't want to talk about it, just letting her know that you've shared the same experience is meaningful.

If you can't say something, do something. Maybe you're really not comfortable talking in person, or you get the impression she's just not up to it. Or you heard the news but don't see her often. There's nothing wrong with an email, text message, or private Facebook message to send along your thoughts. It's also nice to have something tangible like a condolence card or a plant (I did not want flowers that would shrivel up and die). A miscarriage is like a birth, a death, and a physical ailment all at once, so sending over a meal is welcome. Or instead you can send something to encourage her to take care of herself, like some new pajamas, tea and a pretty mug, or a pair of cozy socks.

Don't shut her out. It's okay to invite her to happy hour or even a baby shower - just let her know that you don't want to exclude her but understand if she'd rather not. You don't have to pretend you're not pregnant, but you'll have to gauge how much baby talk she's comfortable with. A big no-no is complaining about the morning sickness or 3 a.m. feedings she aches to have. I am surrounded by pregnant women and new moms right now and it makes me feel hopeful. Doesn't mean I don't get teary when a picture of a friend's newborn arrives in my inbox, but what's the alternative? Stop celebrating life and enjoying the company of my friends? That hardly seems healthy, or fair.

Just a few months ago I was that friend thinking, "Gosh, how awful for her. I wish I knew what to say." I hope this offers a little bit of insight. I wrote it assuming we are talking about a mom who is having a miscarriage but I think it's just as relevant for the dad. In fact, one of the most meaningful condolences we got was from a Google chat between Husband and an old friend. "Dude, sorry about y'all's loss. Wish it could be different." Like I said, you don't have to say much.

Haterade

My blog has it's first hater. How exciting! Some random person posted a whole slew of negative comments this afternoon, which I of course deleted. He or she is deeply offended that I fed Henry solids at 6 months (too soon?), that he self-weaned at 19 months (not 19 years?), and most of all that we let him cry it out. I still am not thrilled that we went that route but it worked for him at a point when he needed sleep so badly.

I feel like I am dancing in a middle ground between two different approaches to mothering. I did let him cry it out, but I advocate natural childbirth. I nursed him exclusively, but not till kindergarten. We did cloth diapers until the poop got real. I'm not completely mainstream but I'm not 100% crunchy either. That way I get to offend everyone!

2011 in 2011

I am decluttering! Last year I read about the 2010 in 2010 challenge online and I was intrigued but I wanted to start the project with a full year ahead of me. 2011 in 2011 is officially underway. The idea is to get rid of 2011 things by the end of the year. Or you can do 2011 pounds of junk, or 2011 minutes of decluttering through the year, or whatever else works for you. The point is to eliminate the physical clutter that is weighing us down.

I have decided to get rid of 2011 items. That breaks down to about 5.5 items each day, 39 per week, and 168 in a month. Those numbers sound small and manageable, but you add them all up and 2011 is daunting. While I clearly have lots of junk I don't like, need, or want, it's not like I'm a hoarder. I can walk all through my house, park both cars in the garage, and my shower and oven are not used for storage. I'm going to have to dig deep.

Tonight I started with a giant pile o' crap that's been accumulating in my bedroom for a few weeks. It's from cleaning out the guest bedroom and Henry's closet, primarily. I thought it would make a huge dent in my 2011 items, but it put me just over 10%. It was stuff like a couple of old bookcases, books, toys and baby items not worth saving for the next one, a handful of my clothes, a bunch of cheap picture frames (saved the prints), and I don't know what else. It's funny that I can't even think of everything when I just finished packing it up and loading it in the car. I broke it up into several batches: Goodwill, Kid to Kid, Half Price Books, trash, and one bookshelf that ended up sitting on the curb because it wouldn't fit in the van without taking the seats out. I predict it will be gone by the time I take Henry to school in the morning.

Also, there were 5 items I had set aside to give away but kept after all. One Barefoot Contessa cookbook with chocolate cake recipe I think I need (you know, for emergencies), an iPod Shuffle I can repurpose for Henry, a $20 cable that connects Husband's phone to the TV (crucial equipment for modern life, he swears), and two junky toys that I kept because they are dump trucks so I can put them out at Henry's upcoming birthday party.

I feel lighter already, but also overwhelmed by how much I have left to go. Final count:
Trash: 36
Goodwill: 125
Half Price Books: 46
Kid to Kid: 17
On the curb, free to passsers by: 1
Total: 225, 1786 (!) left to go

UPDATE:
Kid to Kid isn't buying today so I have to revise my total down to 208. It raises a good question about decluttering: do you choose to just get the stuff out of your house however you can or do you put forth the time and effort to make some money/find it the best home? Everyone's answer will be different based on how much time and money she has. I'm trying to figure out my answer. I can drop that big box off at Goodwill this afternoon, take it back to Kid to Kid next week, or make more money if I wait a few months for the next Mama Cents sale. Hmm.

Just Eat Food

Last year we briefly (oh so briefly) tried being vegan. I didn't realize it at the time, but I think that was the last diet I will ever try. Right after that experiment I read a couple of Geneen Roth books. She is opposed to dieting because labeling foods as "good" or "bad" and then depriving yourself tends to mess with your head and create a dysfunctional relationship with food. Although really any relationship with a plate of spaghetti would be dysfunctional. You should probably have relationships with people instead, which I guess is her point. Anyway, I am not a hardcore follower but I do think her books came along at a good time for me.

I read Women, Food, and God and my main takeaway was that by analyzing your feelings about food you can also understand the underlying beliefs and emotions that are keeping you fat and unhappy. That sounds good but the book doesn't really tell you how to achieve any of that, so I also bought Breaking Free from Emotional Eating. This one is more of a roadmap. I only skimmed it, but it could surely be used to "work the steps" along with a journal to write down all your Oprah a-ha moments. I intended to do that at some point but I never really got around to it. I thought maybe I would pick it back up in the new year but my interest has waned, or at least my focus has shifted.

Lately my new mantra is Just Eat Food. I've been cooking a lot lately, and most of it is really good. I'm tired of obsessing about fat grams and Weight Watchers Points. I am no longer interested in weighing chicken breasts and trying to cut a casserole into eight equal pieces. I've done that on and off for 10 years and results (if any) have always been fleeting. Plus I find that path often leads to eating lots of fake food. Americans have only gotten fatter and more unhealthy since we stopped eating from-scratch home cooking in favor of processed, restaurant, and "convenience" foods. My gut tells me that butter that came from a cow is better than margarine that came from a chemistry lab, especially if that cow was allowed to roam around eating grass. I still read labels, but now just the list of ingredients so I can avoid all (most) of the sketchy stuff.

I once lost 27 pounds on Weight Watchers and I went to the gym exactly twice during that time. I was thin but not especially healthy. If I am feeling fat (which I totally am right now) I am trying to focus more on exercise than diet. It's been hard because I'm still not completely done with the physical recovery from the miscarriage, but that's the goal. I have also found that instead of obsessing about all the foods I'm not supposed to have I am able to think about what I should be eating more of. So at dinner my thought process is more like, "Hmm, I should steam some broccoli because I haven't eaten anything green today," instead of, "If I don't eat all this chicken I will still have enough points left for a fat-free pudding cup."

So what am I eating? Lots of home-cooked meals and leftovers. A whole new world has opened up now that I am not limiting myself to crappy low-fat recipes. I have found that I am more satisfied with less food if I use whole milk, pancetta, etc. And cooking is a whole lot more fun when the final product actually tastes good. I have been playing around with a weekly meal plan where every night is assigned a type of recipe. Once we get that figured out I hope to write a post dealing more specifically with what we are eating around here.

Blerg!

Since I last posted our family has been struggling to drag ourselves over the finish line of 2010. At least one member of our family has been sick ever since I had strep back in October. We saw the slow decline of old Willie and ended up putting him down a week before Christmas. At the same time I was dealing with a difficult and ultimately unsuccessful pregnancy. I hesitate to share that with the internet (not that I have a ton of readership on my very intermittent little blog) but I feel strongly that the secrecy and mystery surrounding miscarriage makes it an unnecessarily lonely experience and is ultimately very damaging to women who have to face it. I have more thoughts in my head about the physical and emotional aspects of miscarriage that I hope to post soon but am not really in the mood to delve into right now. In the meantime, it feels appropriate to acknowledge my experience and the baby we lost in some small way.

It's funny, the last month is probably the worst of my life, and definitely of our marriage. At least it should be if you empirically judge the crap that has befallen us lately. But still I am without a doubt happier in this little life of mine than I ever was pre-Husband. Or maybe it was pre-Henry. It's hard to separate those two and the warm fuzziness they bring to my life on a daily basis.

This New Year means more to me than usual. I have lots of ideas for my life that I would love to blog about if I can find the time. I am trying very hard to have a home-cooked meal for dinner every night. I am working on decluttering our house, though perhaps less urgently now that another baby is further down the line than we expected. The other night Husband and I were talking about 2011 and we decided it should be the year of getting our sh*t together. I'll let you know how that goes.

Diary of a Slacker, Day Whatever

So of course I've fallen off the wagon with blogging. My good excuses are numerous: mainly I got strep throat for a week right as Joel was going through his first end of quarter at his new job (same company). Also, cooking all your own food at home is so very time consuming. And since it's new to us I am going to one store or another almost every day. Target for the frozen fruit Husband likes in his smoothie, the farmer's market for the good milk, HEB for Henry's drinkable yogurt, Central Market for maple almond butter, Whole Foods for the pita without sketchy ingredients. It is exhausting and I feel so scattered. This really bothers me because I have spent most of the past 20 months slowly getting my act together.

So the big question is, where are we on diet? We lasted about six days as super strict vegans. Husband is now what he likes to call vaguean - good quality eggs and butter, occasionally cheese, no milk, and rarely some meat when it calls his name. I am less interested in the vegan thing, which is not surprising since it wasn't my idea in the first place. I was busting my butt and I just couldn't do it. I think it is absolutely possible to eat a full, balanced, healthy vegan diet. However, it takes A LOT of work. I found that I was not eating enough leafy greens for calcium or enough beans for protein. I was adding things like Boca Burgers in but I have a real problem with consuming processed food-like substances in the name of healthy eating. It just doesn't gel with me. I didn't feel remarkably better on the diet and I didn't lose much weight. I was tired and had headaches, either from the massive amount of work it took to prepare all that food or from a lack of protein I'll never know. It has been a good experience though, if only because it forced us to add a lot more veggies to our diets.

I know I'm done with the vegan thing but I'm not sure where to go next. At first I found myself engrossed with what I call real foods. Nina Planck and Michael Pollan are two authors I've read that offer good primers in this philosophy. Kitchen Stewardship is a great blog that digs into what it means to eat real food if you are curious. I also have been thinking back to an Oprah I saw in the spring with Geneen Roth, who wrote a book called Women, Food, and God (among many others). This is an oversimplification, but I am intrigued by her idea that you should listen to your body and eat whatever you want. I would like to work on letting my body tell me what it needs to eat, with the eventual goal of eating primarily "real food." The problem with that approach is that it is a more intuitive, gradual process than just counting Weight Watchers points. I obviously still have some thinking to do, but my gut is telling me that I am tired of obsessing about what to eat and would like to put my energies elsewhere. Especially since I've been doing it on and off for about 10 years and I am no better off. You know, the definition of insanity and all.

In other family news, Henry is almost two and boy does it show. "Uh-oh" and "no no" are the phrases this week. His name is now both a noun and an adjective. As in, he's very Henry today. His last rough patch was a couple of months ago, so I wonder if I should just expect the even months to be trying. This time around it's a bit easier because he is understanding explanations much more than he did during his last fussy spell. For example, this morning he had a screaming fit to be let into the kitchen. Once I explained WHY he couldn't come in (it had to do with our incontinent dog) he was totally fine. He's really not my baby anymore and I am trying to remember to treat him like the big little person that he is.

Okay, that's all for now. I will blog again in approximately 1-37 days.

Diary of a Vegan, Day 3

We are hanging in there despite a busy couple of days. Henry has been sick with the green snotties for almost two weeks and developed a high fever last night. According to his doctor it looks like he has picked up one of those random kid viruses just as his cold was starting to get better. I also felt pretty crummy yesterday with a sinus headache and sore throat. I'm not sure if Henry has passed his germs to me or if it's just allergy-related. But I think I would feel worse than I do if I were still on the SAD (the rather appropriate acronym for the Standard American Diet). So I guess that's a win for veganism.

I feel like I am eating more often but I'm not sure that's true. I may just be more conscious of what and when I'm eating because I can't just grab a handful of goldfish crackers or a Luna Bar out of the pantry. I'm also spreading my calories out more instead of having a few large meals, which I hear is good for metabolism. Pita with hummus and olives is becoming my lunch of choice, and my favorite snack these days is the homemade trail mix I created when I was first nursing Henry and needed a quick influx of calories. Now I like it because it feels like I ate something substantial. It's my go-to snack when I really feel hungry.

3-2-1 Trail Mix

3 cups nuts (I use bulk mixed nuts)
2 cups dried fruit (usually a cup of raisins and a cup of Craisins)
1 cup dark chocolate chips

Dump it all in a bowl and stir it up. This makes a large bowl but you can very easily double it or use 1/2 cup portions instead as needed.

It's a very satisfying combination of sweet/salty/tart, as well as chocolatey enough to satisfy a dessert craving. I am trying not to have too much in a day because Rip says to limit nuts to half a handful a day if you are trying to loose weight. I far exceed that but I fear I would feel weak if I didn't. Also I break the rules and use salted nuts. I justify this because (1) I'm eating almost no processed foods so there's not much sodium sneaking in my diet, and (2) I think eating salt to taste is healthy for most people. A warning: don't leave a bag of this in your car cup holder. Even though it's October it's still hot enough to melt the chocolate chips here in Texas.

Tonight we are having Ellie Krieger's Penne with Roasted Tomatoes, Garlic, and White Beans. I'm super excited because this is a recipe Husband and I have made before and liked. Even though it fits within the parameters of the E2 diet it still feels like normal food, and these days normal is a treat. Of course we will have to forgo the parmesan cheese. Boo!

Diary of a Vegan, Day 1

Today I cooked more than I ever have on a non-holiday. And Husband cooked a little bit, too. None of it was horrible, though none of it was amazing either. But I would eat it all again, vegan or not. I consider that a success since one of my goals in this experiment was to come up with some new healthy meals to incorporate into our regular diet after the 28 days are up. Here's a rundown.

Breakfast
We wanted to usher in our first day with a special breakfast so we made the french toast from The Engine 2 Diet. It was good but not great. Once I realized the odd flavor was the mashed banana it became more palatable. Here's the thing, though. You really neeeeeeed some oil in the pan when you cook virtually fat-free french toast, even if the pan is non-stick. The first batch had a beautiful brown crust which remained in the skillet, exposing the soggy innards. But I rebounded with copious amounts of cooking spray and it turned out pretty good, especially when topped with bananas, strawberries, toasted pecans, and a little dusting of powdered sugar.

Husband tried some Gimme Lean sausage with breakfast. He found it surprisingly lacking in awfulness. I thought the texture and taste were good but it left me thinking, "Hey, that kind of reminds me of Jimmy Dean sausage. Mmmm, sausage. I wish we had some real sausage." This is my problem with meat substitutes, and the reason I don't plan on incorporating a ton of fake meat into our diet. It just makes me crave something I didn't even know I wanted.

Lunch
Husband says that, up until today, he's only ever liked one vegetarian dish in his life. It's eggplant in garlic sauce from Asia Cafe in Austin. He did some Googling and found this similar recipe. We added some brown rice and substituted turbinado sugar for the brown sugar (less processed and Rip-approved). Husband was quite proud of himself. I didn't like it as much, but I am not a huge fan of eggplant or Asian food so I didn't expect to. I did think the sauce was good and I think we will use that again, but with some different vegetables and noodles for a healthy stir-fry dinner. (A note about the picture: That looks awful! It looks like a pig organ they serve in Britain. It wasn't that gross in real life.)

Dinner
I recently stumbled upon a recipe for vegan Sweet Potato Chili on an omnivore slow-cooker website. It was almost too spicy, which I guess is just the right amount. I wish it had more beans, but it is unintentionally vegan so I don't think the creator was trying to up the protein level as much as a meatless person would want. I served it with some Vegan Agave Cornbread Muffins. They were really good, sweet and light but heartier than regular corn muffins because they are 100% whole grain. I'm not sure Rip (Esselstyn, creator of the Engine Diet) would approve of the added oil and sweetener but that recipe was my favorite of the day and just about as easy as a box of Jiffy mix.

Snacks
I rounded out the day with some grapes, an apple, hummus with kalamata olives and whole wheat pita, whole-grain pretzels with natural peanut butter, and a muffin from a batch I made for quick breakfasts this week. The olives were the single best thing I ate today. I think olives are the new cheese.

So how do we feel after our first day of veganism? Physically I feel really good. It's hard to describe. Clean and even come to mind. No crashing after eating a cupcake today. I am tired, but not as tired as I have been lately and I did spend a good chunk of the day on my feet in the kitchen. Husband feels good as well, though he had a caffeine headache earlier. I think the lack of caffeine is distracting him from everything else we are giving up. Not sure if that's good or bad.

I'm glad I am feeling more energetic because my house is a mess. I scoured the internet for recipes, went to the grocery store three times this weekend, cooked four different recipes today, and did a ton of dishes. Being a vegan is hard work!

Clean Out Day

Today I pulled out all the non-vegan items, processed foods, etc. out of our kitchen. I feel like Sarah Cynthia Sylvia Stout. Old green beans covered with something slimy, shredded chicken whose origins I cannot date, one lone ice cream cone from box I bought this summer, four kinds of pancake mix, high protein Luna bars which are like chocolate-peanut-butter-flavored chewing gum, Cheez-Its, cookie dough, half a bottle of Sprite, five different types of butter-like substances, wonderful free-range eggs that can't possibly be bad for you, cereal whose only sin is the added sugar, 1.5 cartons of milk, about 7 kinds of cheese (it's an addiction, like purses or gambling), a brand new bag of turkey pepperoni, and some mini quiches leftover from a bridal shower I threw two months ago. I came up with a big laundry basket overflowing with stuff from our pantry and four grocery bags from the refrigerator. I sent my parents home with what they would take and am hoping to give the rest of it to friends and family so it doesn't end up going to waste. I also threw out the expired soup, old leftovers, and the like.

So what's still in the pantry/fridge? Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and beans. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and beans. Fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and beans. And a few things I shouldn't have kept but did. I am not replacing perfectly good nuts, dried cranberries, and panko bread crumbs just because they have a little salt, sugar, or white flour in them. And I kept our collection of oils and flours that I use for baking because I don't think I will be tempted to sit down to a big bowl of pastry flour and a glass of canola oil. I also saved a few things but put them away for the next 28 days, like all our frozen meat and a huge container of taco seasoning I just bought at Costco that contains a wee bit of whey. I figure we should follow the "rules" for the 28 days we agreed to and then we can figure out the parameters moving forward.

It's interesting that the biggest change for us is not really the vegan aspect of this challenge. The majority of the food was ditched because it is in some way processed or has sketchy ingredients. I was surprised because I have been on the no hydrogenated oils and high-fructose corn syrup bandwagon for awhile now. But still it sneaks in the house. I guess that gap between intentions and actions is about 15 pounds of baby weight wide. I know I have very little discipline. I'm not the type who can eat one cookie. If no one is looking I will scrape the last of the queso out of the bowl with my finger. I think, with my personality, I do better with definite black and white. So it feels really good to get all this junk out of our house. I am excited to see what I begin to crave when only healthy options are on the table.

Tomorrow is our first real day. We have a menu planned and everything. Wish us luck!